As I Crumbled

In the moment, the news, the words: my heart skipped a beat.
I gasp for breath. I beg for release from this reality
My mind, my thoughts, my world in full retreat.
The hand of death, a life has ceased, and will no longer be.

No sense, no logic, no reason, no ration.
Where are you God? Where is the world I know?
Is this the ordered world you have fashioned?
Why God? How God? How can this be so?

The world is rattling, and violently quakes.
No. Wait. It’s only I that shake. The floor is steady, calm, serene.
Wake up! It cannot be! Depart from this hideous scene
Open your eyes, from this nightmare awake!

Alas this is no hallucination, no illusion, no dream.
Just twisted reality contorted by sorrow and confusion.

I scream.

No English word voiced, no human word sounded, no earthly word uttered.
As I crumble, I am surrounded: embraced, enveloped, nearly smothered
And for the merest of instants the aching, the anguish, and desolation paused
By arms of love, that will never leave me when all hope seems lost.

MYHL
12/15/2020

- For Kelli in loving memory of Molly -

 Copyright © 2020 Marc Y H Landeweer

Hu, R. U. – 52 y.o. F – E3145

Copyright © 2016 Marc Y H Landeweer

Commentary:

 The lines of this poem are the silhouette of a person with their mouth hanging open. 

The room number in the title has meaning partly in that I was assigned to the E3100 ward at Abbott Northwestern Hospital for my first unit of CPE at the time of the poem's composition. But more significant is that E3145 is an abbreviation for Exodus 3:14 word 5 which corresponds in the Hebrew bible to אֶהְיֶה (ehyeh) the word for “I AM”. 

 

Hu, R. U. – 52 y.o. F – E3145 Who are you, you that lies in that bed? Who are you, you that wears that hospital gown? Who are you, you that eats through that TV show? Who are you, you that lies in that drug addled fog? Who are you, you that wears that network of IV’s? Who are you, you that eats through that serpentine tube?  Your appearance is aged, off by two score at least Your skin hangs limp, loose unkempt drapes Your stench offends my delicate nose Who are you, you whose cries I hear each hour? Who are you, you whose tears I wipe with a cloth? Who are you, you whose face I see in the mirror? … I am a child of I AM. 12/13/2016      MYHL

fiery sword

i chanced upon a heavenly sight
roaming through the northern lands
a beauty lithely gliding quick
a verdant field of lilac haze

remote echo of soothing song
swelling through the twilight air
by subtle sign she beckoned me
and running swift did i reply

but only near could i detect
tarnished streaks on a marred halo
that distant song was no melody
but weepings of a wounded sylph

and when i saw her blood stained gown
i embraced her close with streams of tears
i closed my eyes and cried to Heaven
a fervent prayer for this tortured belle

through my back came that searing sting
soon displaced by pangs within
and whence my eyes opened once more
the angel before me had limped away

all remaining for me to grasp
a fiery blade deep in my heart
while He above knows all my pain
commands me forever to forgive

MYHL
11/12/07

Copyright © 2007 Marc Y H Landeweer

Two Saints & Two Sinners

I ran into my evil twin
And found it strange to see
How his black heart had no more sin
Than that which dwells in me!

MYHL
1/28/07

Copyright © 2007 Marc Y H Landeweer

Commentary: This work is both facetious and serious. It is facetious in that while I consider myself mildly evil, I think (or at least I hope) I've got a ways to go before an "evil" counterpart and I would actually have the same black-heartedness. This is a serious poem in that as humans we are thusly all born into sin. A man who sins every now and then is no less a sinner than a man who sins habitually. Conversely*, this also means that within us all is some goodness; no man is purely a sinner. We are all "simultaneously saints & sinners" (See the works of Luther for a more theologically grounded explaination)

(* Not meant as a formal logic argument...for those math or philosophy nerds out there)

Bridge It

Aye Watt Chew End
Awl Lye Sea His Be Ewe Tea

MYHL
9/6/06

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y H Landeweer

note: makes more cents if read aloud

Running Into Bars

Last week I ran into a bar
And it hurt like hell
I was the first one it hit

To hell with running to bars
Screw high jumping bars too
I'm building myself a catapult
Then I'll be barhopping

MYHL
9/5/06

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y H Landeweer

Commentary: So I was the first name under the pass bar for my grad school written exam. Damn it all to heck! Looks like this year's winter break will be spent studying....again...

Time Piece

                                    "Take   heed!   Time   Flies!"

                                         Warned the aging man

                                                  "And so do I!"

                                            Chuckled Peter Pan

                                    The   swarm   ate   him   alive

MYHL
8/3/06

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y H Landeweer

Commentary: Ah...the omnivorous sands of time devour all to smother all creation with feces of entropy

hint: Look for the hourglass, hence "time piece"

Twilight Rainbow

Iridescent Gate of Xanadu
Towering arch in pallid sun
Its distant Rooks in vacant glades
Wide hues and tones of every shade
Shimmer silent above the Breeze
Mere echoes born of far off Clouds
Tease low grass and infant trees
Two painted highways: up and down
Locked as destined Path and Crown
The Road beneath lies dry and dun
‘til Tears squall out as Death ensues

MYHL
8/2/06

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y H Landeweer

ex-spero meant for nought

Be where:
wishes hollow
fish too deep
and seep
inside
to weep

Meddle Fate
to taste cold
iroN-
Niether
here
nor there
but now

for Tempests:
Few get
through
land and sea
riding empty
dreams

MYHL
8/1/06

BEWARE: metal irony & tempus fugit

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y H Landeweer

Commentary: like i said an experiment...

Triskaidekapoetry

I wish I had more drama
The smallest of ados
To stop my poems from turning trite

I wish I had more trauma
The slightest jam would do
I'd see things in a different light

I wish I had bad karma
A quick hard knock or two
Then surely I'd have lines to write

Alas I have no trials of late
That might deserve a poet's pen
But when the skies turn black with fate
Will I still want it then?

MYHL
7/26/06

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y H Landeweer

Commentary: Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13.

The Sobriquet

                      Brobdingnagian                                       Belie two
                                         lenses                                    lazuline orbs

                                                                  ----

                  Rubicund cheeks florid from a fortnight's feverish fatigue
                       "Auricomous angel galumph back to your burrow!"
                                Your ebullient giggling had me long ago.


MYHL
7/3/06

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y H Landeweer

Commentary: Tee hee hee...

Her Best Friend

I am her best friend
I am her support
I embrace her for hours
I defend her modesty
She keeps me close to her heart
But refuses to sleep with me
...I am her brassiere

MYHL
6/25/06

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y H Landeweer

Commentary: Just something that came while brushing my teeth.

kerf

i gave you my heart
          you stabbed it, left it to rot
i threw the knife back


MYHL
6/8/06

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y H Landeweer

Commentary: A haiku that came during an endurance bike ride
kerf: n. A groove or notch made by a cutting tool, such as a saw or an ax. (American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition, Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company)

Fulcrum Upon the Shelf

Where can I find the Fulcrum,
Fragile quantum singularity?

Is it tangible? Can it be held --
Within my weakened grasp?
Is it visible? To fetch the eye --
The iris of a tired traveler?

Why do I struggle to attain
Simplicity others judge innate?

In prayer, I find solace --
In solitude, at my wits end!

Heaven lead this enervated soul
Have mercy on my fragile heart
Grant a moment's rest from The Chaos:

penetrating each grain of sand...
...whispering in the distance...
...ominous creaking from the Fulcrum.

MYHL
12/18/05

Commentary: Life is just one gigantic balancing act, isn't it?

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y H Landeweer

The Attack of the Butterflies

The nightmare
    ...that haunts my shadow.

Invisible, ravenous beast
    ...leering in the darkness

Never can I dwell in solace
    ...the paranoia pervades my peace.

Deep within my core
        ...omnipresent...
            Rooted deep within my spine.

The Cringe contorts my innards
     ...Oh God! I’m being eaten alive!

I sigh
        ...and...
             my heart begins to flutter.

MYHL
12/17/05

Commentary: Inspired by an old picture from what seems like a lifetime ago. This is a poem about falling in love.

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y H Landeweer

The Emerald Phoenix

A bruised girl crashes through a decrepit rusty door.
Golden locks twisted, a tear from one jaded eye.
Searing lashes and cuts marring her pearly flesh

       Terror

The eyes of an Emerald Phoenix ablaze
Scream through the silent void:

       Why me...Help Me...

Burning through my stoic heart
Coldness transformed to embrace this wounded soul.
Melted by sorrow and desolation,
Mustering strength to heal this delicate nymph:

       Suffering has made You:
       The beautiful person you are…
                                                 …forevermore

With the merest glint and celerity of Zeus' hand
The salty puddle evaporates, returning to the abyss.

                      ..Peace...at long last....

MYHL
12/08/05

Commentary: A poem inspired by what could be called either a dream or a nightmare. In it, a friend finally came to terms with her past and for the first time in nearly a decade she knew comfort and peace. Until that day becomes be a reality, I will continue to pray for her.

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y H Landeweer

Sonnet of Defeat

The desperate attempts for recovery turn vain
Imprisoned, locked in this collision course
Forgotten is wisdom, gone without a trace!
Folly and Caprice have eroded all sense

Already feeling the weight of this bane
No logic remains -- in coherent force
In due time, Fate will unmask her face
Everything subject to her prudence.

Love, thou art a cruel beast: silent and crude
Cast me away from thy vacuous grasp
Let me dwell alone -- in sane solitude!
Alas, confined between two savage traps!

Resistance fades as my resolution dies
Knocked down again by her keen blue eyes.

MYHL
11/23/05

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y H Landeweer

Commentary:
This was an exercise in poetry where I tried to write an acrostic sonnet using a friend's name. My first attempt was using the name Colleen. It was an utter failure. My later attempt was using Tiffanie. So the poem spells out T-i-f-f-a-n-i-e-L-C-l-a-r-k .

Lee Rena

[Dedicated to the orphans of Jacob's Home]

Dear sweet child, where is your family?
Who is beside you, to love you endlessly
A stranger born in a foreign land
Forgotten, abandoned with nothing in hand.

Dear sweet orphan have you a place to call home?
Have you any loved ones or do you suffer all alone?
Does anyone console you, wipe away your tears ?
Do you have anyone to comfort your fears?
Or on stormy nights, when you awaken to thunder
Must you cry yourself back to restless slumber?

Dear sweet Irena who will pray for your release?
Curse the ones that made you their bargaining piece
A blameless victim of the cruelest tradition
Amidst the loneliest depths of parentless perdition.

MYHL
10/13/05

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y H Landeweer

Commentary: This poem is dedicated to the orphans at Jacob's Home in Pyongtaek, South Korea, the orphanage where I spent part of my childhood. Because of legislation within the past couple years these children will never be adopted. The justification of this law is based on placing bloodlines ahead of the well being of children. Orphans up to the age of 4 may no longer be adopted unless the family has formally relinquished the child. Children above the age of 4 may no longer be adopted, period. If I had been born at the wrong time, I would have spent 13 years in orphanages rather than being raised, loved and nurtured by my wonderful parents.

The title of this work refers to a little Ukrainian girl who was abandoned by her parents and left at this Korean orphanage. Since she lacked identification, the orphanage named her Lee Rena, which when actually pronounced sounds as Ee-rhee-na (i.e. Irena). She, along with the dozens of toddlers at Jacob's Home will spend the entirety of their childhoods parentless and mostly forgotten by society.

This has been by far the hardest and most emotional poem for me to write. It has been in the works for well over a year, only materializing into a coherent poem only this past October.

Shelter From The Storm

Tides beckon the shores for a pernicious season
As meridian light succumbs to blackening swarms
Such cruel howling of Sirens blinds all reason
A prisoner once more of telluric storms

Too pallid to contend, too brittle to confess
Even amidst that Delphic voice calling me to stand
Battered and worn under constant duress
My foundation eroded from pillars to sand

Remorseful waves surge over the barrier reef.
Yet the horizon beyond sighs a susurrant credo
A delicate coral blush radiates the squall's relief
Cerulean eyes splintering apart the deepest ego

Bearing illumination unto this premature night,
Carnal tempest furies rendered completely null
Life proving yet again His providential light
Blessed forever by her, a lowly terrene angel.

MYHL
9/13/05

Commentary: This particular work was inspired by a friend of mine, one who has been a source of spiritual inspiration.

Vocabulary I learned writing this poem: Meridian - noontime; Telluric - earthly, terrestrial; Pallid- weak, pale; Susurrant - whisper-like; Terrene - of the Earth

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y. H. Landeweer

V. A.

The lines of her face, delicate prints of labor
Once soft features, long past their prime
From her smile spring forth stirrings of felicity
Radiance pouring from the minutest glance

Far too long had I waded in dead seas
Rummaging cesspools expecting gems
Drowning in hypocrisy, smothered by vanity
Debunking forever the bliss of ignorance

Three brief dawns unclogged the drain
Serendipitous and abrupt in every respect
Washed and renewed in a shower of sanity
And by salts revived from an invisible trance

Perhaps our threads will never cross again
Night’s cloak obscures the morn of the morrow
Come what may, with peace or calamity
Patiently awaiting the light of Providence

MYHL
3/23/05

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y. H. Landeweer

The Lost Season

Having lost the opportunity seasons past
For none scull against the River’s course
A choice was mine and mine alone
Never have I tasted such bitter remorse
Pleading for release of an unseen rendition:
The archived pilot that never aired.
A thousand drafts, revisions tenfold
Yet, with cast of one ‘twas never shared.
Fear and dejection jailed me once before
Shrouding truth deeper within.
Suppressed it seared, buried it burned
Relentless inferno raging beneath my skin.
No resolution breaks the darkening horizon.
Grace alone can charge Perdition's cease.
As the trod of death approaches day by day,
Thy holy wings will grant me peace.

MYHL
10/08/04

Notes:
· Reference to ΦΩΦ pledge class name: The Relentless Raging Inferno
· “Day by Day” and “Thy Holy Wings” are two of my favorite hymns

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y. H. Landeweer

Thy Holy Wings

"Thy holy wings O savior
spread gently over me,
and let me rest securely
through good and ill in Thee.
Oh be my strength and portion,
my rock and hiding place,
and let my ev’ry moment
be lived within thy grace.

Oh, let me nestle near thee,
within thy downy breast
where I will find sweet comfort
and peace within thy nest.
Oh, close thy wings around me
and keep me safely there,
for I am but a newborn
and need thy tender care.

Oh, wash me in the waters
of Noah's cleansing flood.
Give me a willing spirit,
a heart both clean and good.
Oh, take into thy keeping
thy children great and small,
and while we sweetly slumber,
enfold us one and all. "

- Carolina Sandell Berg, 1832-1903

In-Decline

Far enough we’ve traveled
To test the lady’s patience,
Weaving past the deepest pine.
Her confidence in decline

“Where are the lights –
You Promised” says She
No beams have yet to shine.
Her confidence in decline

Is my compass misaligned?
My racing heart pounding
Deafens my scattered mind.
My confidence in decline.

“I trust you” whispers she
A kiss of sweetest kind,
With fingers intertwined,
Our diffidence in decline

MYHL
5/12/04

Commentary: The inspiration for this poem came from a dream from May of 2004. The text itself got lost in my old computer for quite some time. Despite the suggestive phrasing of the last stanza, the dream itself had very little to do with what one might think [nudge nudge wink wink]. In this dream, while searching for a city lit by auroras I led my friend astray deep in an old wood forest. In the moment of my greatest confusion and directional incompetence, my friend puts her trust in me, gives me a peck on the cheek, she holds my hand and we spiritedly search again for the lost city.

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y H Landeweer

An Army of One

I am an army of one.
One vision of single mind.
Under this unforgiving sun,
Terrorists and evil I will find.

Once in my extended campaign
They promised it’d be over soon.
The Cabinet with their iced champagne
Brush aside the swelling tombs.

The media in their Right pocket,
One party proclaims a troubling view.
Silencing all that mock it,
Or that puppet of a W.

Iraqi Freedom to American demise.
Our company under brutal attack.
My corpse becomes Tikrit’s prize:
A mutilated body in Iraq.

MYHL
4/21/04

Notes:
· Written after U.S. soldiers bodies were mutilated and paraded in Iraq, April 2004
· “I am an army of one” was the Army recruiting slogan at the time
· W. = George W. Bush
· Operation “Iraqi Freedom” name of the military campaign
· Tikrit was Saddam Hussein’s Hometown

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y. H. Landeweer

A Commission

Commissioned to chart out beauty
Never requesting this particular mission
A prerogative to fulfill my duty
With a bit of muted ambition.

Where is the final destination?
“How can we know the Way?”
Find me some better navigation,
Or at least give me an ETA.

On my knees pleading for direction
Grace provided the abiding source.
I’ll continue in unending reflection,
Plotting out this new found course.

Through His waypoints I will travel,
Might they take me far past Siam,
‘Till I sleep with blankets of gravel,
For my C.O. is known as I AM.

MYHL
4/20/04

Notes:
· “The Way” - John 14:5
· C.O. = commanding officer
· “I AM WHO I AM.” - Exodus 3:14

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y. H. Landeweer

The Death of Vitality

My clouded head decays,
As my hands accept their fate.
My vitality, my soul listlessly leak
Through the empty gaze of my eyes.

My wasting body strains to raise
One final gasp in steady rate
A breath, a breeze, silent and bleak
Shadowed beside a murmur, a sigh.

Spiritus meus requiescat in pace…                                     (1)
…Eternity flashes as lighting from Heaven's hand.

...The Rapture, the End of Ages draws nigh,
As Righteous words annul the grains of sand...

A fulgent light reveals itself hence:
“Have I reached the Kingdom?”
Alas! Glorious Day, Amen!

A gentle voice stirs in the distance,
“Hun, class is over now.”
Aw shit. I fell asleep again.

MYHL
10/21/02

Note: (1) May my spirit rest in peace
Commentary: Written in Dara's (Wegman-Geedy) Cell Bio Class to prevent me from falling asleep

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y. H. Landeweer

Good Morning Day... O Glorious Sun

Piercing through the shroud of the unlit wrath,
A glowing creature crawls, through pane to eye.

Upon my face, dance the heated rays
The fever of remote fires spurs my tired spirits

Let lambent light illuminate my path,
As the break of dawn paints the distant sky

Fueled by vibrant beams, unspoken voices say:
Blessed be this day; you have no reason to fear it

I smile.

Oh beautiful day, could I ever rise depressed or moody?
I marvel at Apollo's globe; its fire, power and mass.

I lay and ponder to watch the heavenly beauty:
“It’s just a ball of gas.”

MYHL
10/13/02

Copyright © 2006 Marc Y. H. Landeweer